RAW is coming from London Town on this fine evening and my oh my, Britain is in for a treat because here comes R-Truth. He sounds like DMX to an uncomfortable degree. R-Truth does his best DJ Ran (remember him Nitro watchers?) and asks London to make some noise.
Truth tells us he's going to preach the Gospel right now. Nothing clears out a room faster than "I'd like to talk to you about Jesus." I was hoping he was going to go there but instead he babbled about how he had problems but now he's in line to become champion. Geh, even the Brits do the annoying "WHAT?" chant. Steve Austin deserves a swift nut punch for getting that so over. On a positive note, I just spotted a Zack Ryder = Ratings sign. Good stuff.
Anywho, after R-Truth gives his spiel John Morrison's music hits. This should be interesting. Morrison says that R-Truth was lucky to get through the three people he did considering what kind of shape he's in. I'm scared to see where they're going with this. Morrison shows footage of R-Truth sucking down some water from last week. How dare him?
Morrison tells R-Truth he looks great for an athlete that smokes. Oh man. Of all the things Morrison could rip on R-Truth for, his rapping, his in ring ability, his nappy little braids, its going to be his smoking habits? Low blow Morrison, nobody gives you crap for letting everyone team your girlfriend.
Truth tells Morrison that he's just trying to get into his head so he can take his match and become WWE Champion. Truth connected some serious dots there considering that wasn't mentioned at all. Morrison says okay, lets do that. Truth says that these people in London do not want to see "me and you" wrestle tonight. That's half true.
Here comes a referee and we're underway. Whole lot of arm drags and headlock takedowns. Cole's gimmick takes away from the matches. Its bush league and reminds me of watching a cruiserweight match from WCW while Tony Schiavone rambles about Big Bubba joining the nWo. Focus on the task at hand kids.
After slamming Truth to the canvas Morrison hits Starship Pain to get the pin. That certainly upgraded the main event even though it was the most awkward reaching angle I've seen in some time. I guess I don't care since the result was getting R-Truth off of PPV hopefully.
R-Truth then beats up on a celebrating Morrison solidifying his heel turn. We've all been so excited for this to finally happen. I couldn't keep a straight face typing that. He asks for a smoke which he receives. Looks like a Marb Light. Truth puffs away as Morrison roles around. Somebody yells, "Would somebody please think of the children?" I can't tell if they meant that in regards to the smoking or R-Truth getting so much camera time. This shit writes itself.
Next up we have Evan Borne in the ring and Vickie Guerraro comes out. She announces the new and improved Dolph Ziggler. Oh, Dolph's hair is brown now. That 12 dollar box of hair dye is bound to make him not be terrible anymore. Cole says that the rumor flying around the locker room is that he has a new attitude. This is the worst repackage ever. The best part about it is that he looks like a larger version of poor Evan Borne.
The two work a pretty decent match, short but sweet, mostly due to Borne's skill set. He misses a Shooting Star Press which allows Dolph to hit the Zig Zag for the 3 count. If they wanted to repackage his gimmick they should have given him a name that doesn't sound like a second tier Bond villain. That's right, not even first tier. Like Odd Job or Baron Samedi.
The two work a pretty decent match, short but sweet, mostly due to Borne's skill set. He misses a Shooting Star Press which allows Dolph to hit the Zig Zag for the 3 count. If they wanted to repackage his gimmick they should have given him a name that doesn't sound like a second tier Bond villain. That's right, not even first tier. Like Odd Job or Baron Samedi.
We learn that Michael Cole will be knighted tonight. Great, more time and a segment wasted on that. We learn that Sin Cara is going to be wrestling Alex Riley tonight. That sounds botchamaniatastic.
They showed a video of Edge's retirement and an overview of his career. Needed more Gangrel. I miss that pot bellied vampire. No I don't. It is revealed that Alberto Del Rio is going to throw a retirement party for Edge on Smackdown. That sounds like a nice gesture.
The Miz comes out with Alex Riley. So anyone else notice that The Miz is ripping off Jericho's most recent Bockwinkel inspired heel gimmick and not hiding it at all? No? Well I have. He takes a chair, sits down, and says that he will not leave until the Raw General Manager fixes the main event at Extreme Rules. Little did The Miz know that The Anonymous Raw General Manager was not in the building and was having dinner with The Network of TNA fame. I heard there was an argument about who was lamer.
Sin Cara's music hits. It sounds more and more like Enya to me every day. This is a bad thing. This time Sin Cara's trampoline does not malfunction and he springboards into the ring with some pyro. Cena's music hits and apparently this is now a tag team match. Uh oh, its not good news for your character when they're trying to give you the Cena rub, especially considering Cena's crowd pop was as mixed as ever.
Cole received an email from the Anonymous Raw General Manager on his I Pad. It read, "There is no pay off for this whole thing. The joke is on you, the fans! Ha Ha Ha." No, it read that there will indeed be a tag team match.
Basic tag match with some decent spots. The finish wasn't exactly clean as Sin Cara hit a springboard moonsault and only seemed to land his index finger on Riley. The index finger was far more than Riley could handle though and he succumbs to the maneuver.
They showed a video of Edge's retirement and an overview of his career. Needed more Gangrel. I miss that pot bellied vampire. No I don't. It is revealed that Alberto Del Rio is going to throw a retirement party for Edge on Smackdown. That sounds like a nice gesture.
The Miz comes out with Alex Riley. So anyone else notice that The Miz is ripping off Jericho's most recent Bockwinkel inspired heel gimmick and not hiding it at all? No? Well I have. He takes a chair, sits down, and says that he will not leave until the Raw General Manager fixes the main event at Extreme Rules. Little did The Miz know that The Anonymous Raw General Manager was not in the building and was having dinner with The Network of TNA fame. I heard there was an argument about who was lamer.
Sin Cara's music hits. It sounds more and more like Enya to me every day. This is a bad thing. This time Sin Cara's trampoline does not malfunction and he springboards into the ring with some pyro. Cena's music hits and apparently this is now a tag team match. Uh oh, its not good news for your character when they're trying to give you the Cena rub, especially considering Cena's crowd pop was as mixed as ever.
Cole received an email from the Anonymous Raw General Manager on his I Pad. It read, "There is no pay off for this whole thing. The joke is on you, the fans! Ha Ha Ha." No, it read that there will indeed be a tag team match.
Basic tag match with some decent spots. The finish wasn't exactly clean as Sin Cara hit a springboard moonsault and only seemed to land his index finger on Riley. The index finger was far more than Riley could handle though and he succumbs to the maneuver.
Angry Miz Girl did not like this segment, wants your soul
Yay, a graphic is shown and CM Punk is wrestling tonight. Sure its against Randy Orton but its better than nothing.
Next up we have a Divas match. Eve comes out and is going to be wrestling Nikki Bella. The only thing that could make this worthwhile is nudity and chocolate pudding and we're not going to get either. So in the mean time, lets talk about something worthwhile, and that's how tasty saltwater taffy is. If I had my druthers I'd be enjoying some right now. The brunette won.
Next is the Knighting of Sir Michael Cole. Sure would be nice if this was getting over an actual wrestler instead of an announcer. Here comes "The Queen." I wonder how much they paid this lady. I guess it doesn't matter, I'd probably do it for 100 dollars and the promise of a Daniel Bryan push. And if they let me keep the dress...
This whole segment was an attempt to insult your intelligence and taste. Michael Cole having yellow athletes foot fungus seemed like it would have fit better in a direct to DVD release of Freddy Got Fingered 2.
Next up is Santino taking on Sheamus. This was a boring short match that was borderline squash. Sheamus must have to dress up like Michael Jackson used to to keep that pasty, ivory, milky skin out of the sun. He's practically florescent.
Next up is our main event, CM Punk vs. Randy Orton. The crowd was very split on these two even with CM Punk playing it up for heel heat. I can say with quite a bit of honesty that this match was just as good as their match at Wrestlemania. There wasn't a wasted move in it. Orton got the win with a roll up. The New Nexus came down and beat up on Orton. Mason Riley freaks out and gets ready to punt Orton. Punk convinces Batista Lite that he should be able to do it instead. Punk runs at Orton who was playing possum and hits the RKO and runs out of the ring as we fade to black.
I'm hoping with the draft next week that that feud is done so Punk can move on to bigger things. He's the best heel they have (Not even close, Miz) by a long distance.
Next up we have a Divas match. Eve comes out and is going to be wrestling Nikki Bella. The only thing that could make this worthwhile is nudity and chocolate pudding and we're not going to get either. So in the mean time, lets talk about something worthwhile, and that's how tasty saltwater taffy is. If I had my druthers I'd be enjoying some right now. The brunette won.
Next is the Knighting of Sir Michael Cole. Sure would be nice if this was getting over an actual wrestler instead of an announcer. Here comes "The Queen." I wonder how much they paid this lady. I guess it doesn't matter, I'd probably do it for 100 dollars and the promise of a Daniel Bryan push. And if they let me keep the dress...
This whole segment was an attempt to insult your intelligence and taste. Michael Cole having yellow athletes foot fungus seemed like it would have fit better in a direct to DVD release of Freddy Got Fingered 2.
Next up is Santino taking on Sheamus. This was a boring short match that was borderline squash. Sheamus must have to dress up like Michael Jackson used to to keep that pasty, ivory, milky skin out of the sun. He's practically florescent.
Next up is our main event, CM Punk vs. Randy Orton. The crowd was very split on these two even with CM Punk playing it up for heel heat. I can say with quite a bit of honesty that this match was just as good as their match at Wrestlemania. There wasn't a wasted move in it. Orton got the win with a roll up. The New Nexus came down and beat up on Orton. Mason Riley freaks out and gets ready to punt Orton. Punk convinces Batista Lite that he should be able to do it instead. Punk runs at Orton who was playing possum and hits the RKO and runs out of the ring as we fade to black.
I'm hoping with the draft next week that that feud is done so Punk can move on to bigger things. He's the best heel they have (Not even close, Miz) by a long distance.
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