I'm grading tonight's Impact on a high curve because Lockdown was a very solid PPV. In order to truly compete they have to hit the ground running the week after when it comes to TV. Here we go.
The show starts with a video montage of Lockdown starting with Jarret v. Angle. The doctor says that their training and conditioning kept them from being seriously hurt. If you saw the power bomb/rana type abortion that they attempted at one point you might think otherwise. Kurt is lucky to be walking and talking after that one.
The next clips they show is from the Fortune vs. Immortal main event. Daniels crossbody off the cage was pretty wicked. They also showed the return of AJ Styes.
Video of the World Title match was next with the Hogan metal pipe incident. They teasted a Hulk Hogan Sting match at the end of that one. It gave me indigestion. Its not 1997. No one wants to see that.
With that we're off to the Impact Zone. AJ Styles does the Batman entrance this week. There is a steel cage set up and there are weapons inside all over the place. AJ cuts a promo about Bully Ray and challenges him to face him like a man. Bully's music hits. I gush about it all the time but I love Buh Buh's heel work. He's great on the mic.
Bully calls himself a warrior. Not sure if he meant that in the Jim Hellwig kind of way or the 79' Streeet Gang classic. Bully says he's going to go take care of AJ's wife. Ray refuses to get into the cage until Christopher Daniels comes down and throws him in. AJ starts beating on Ray.
Gunner comes out and starts brawling with Christopher Daniels. They brawl backstage while AJ continues to beat on Bully Ray. AJ gets ready to put Bully Ray through a table from the top of the cage but Bully rolls out of the way before AJ could jump. That was a fun segment to be honest. Bully is definitely over as a heel even with that crappy Universal Studios crowd.
Immortal's music fires up and Rob Terry and Murphy come out. They kick out the poor little ring crew. What exactly makes Rob Terry a "Freak?" Rob Terry challenge Beer Money to a match in the cage for payback for injuring Flair. Beer Money's music hits and it appears we have a match.
Taz and Tenay talk about how Roode injured Ric Flair's shoulder at Lockdown and that he will need surgery for a torn rotator cuff.
Beer Money gets the win after a short back and forth match with their finish. You would have never known the match was in a cage as it wasn't a factor at any point.
We cut to Jeff and Karen Jarrett in a horse drawn carriage dressed in white. He says he's going to make her Queen of the Mountain and that they're going to make the royal wedding look silly. Karen says that being married to Jeff Jarrett is like waking up every morning and its Christmas Day. I'd be pissed off if I woke up every morning and my present was a middle aged southerner with a bad haircut and a worse history of gimmicks.
Hulk Hogan is shown walking backstage with a pipe. His music hits when we come back from commercial and he comes down to the ring. Hogan calls out RVD. Its sad this wasn't taped on 4/20. It would have been fun to see Rob attempt to cut a promo after having some of the rocket fuel weed a man of his smoking acumen probably has for such a special occasion. Anyway, Hogan says that Rob is "a few french fries short of a happy meal." Couldn't think of anything more clever than that eh? There was better writing on Thunder in Paradise.
Hogan says RVD is going to pay for his mistake of not joining Immortal. Ugh, RVD says "Hey Hulk, remember when you weren't such a heel?" Jesus Tapdancing Christ. Why the fuck do they think its cool to use insider talk? Lame Lame Lame. I'm going to once again blame Russo for this because I know how much he used to love to do that in WCW. Absolutely convinced he has a montage of all his kayfabe breaking moments that he jerks off to regularly.
RVD says that everyone kind of wishes Hogan would just get out of the business. Very true. Hogan says RVD is on borrowed time. Hogan says RVD is never going to be anything but a "mid card" player. Ugh. Fucking stop. Don't they understand this ruins the mystique and its annoying?
Stings music hits. Please don't make Sting break kayfabe too. They're going to start building eventually to a Hogan Sting match. I just know it. Gross. Sting immediately does use some insider jargon, meh, and defends RVD and says that RVD will be facing him in the main event at Sacrifice.
Hogan asks if Sting is as high as RVD. Only Snoop Dogg is from what I know. Hogan says he wants some weed too because he wants to be delusional and a fruit cake out here. Freudian slip? Sting says he has a clause in his contract that he can choose his opponent if he is the world champion. Hogan mentions something about a yin yang. He must be thinking of his old pal Ed Leslie, The Zodiac. Yes! No! Yes! No!
Hogan says RVD is going to have to wrestle Abyss tonight and that Hulk will be in Abyss' corner. He says Sting is going to be wrestling the man with the biggest chip on his shoulder in TNA. Bully Ray? No, Matt Hardy. Gross. Hulk says Matt is going to get revenge for what Sting did to his brother. I wasn't aware that Sting gave Jeff that CVS pharmacy he had in his trailer that he tried to take all at once before Victory Road.
Backstage Kurt Angle is looking for Karen and Jeff. I hope he doesn't plan on cooking them a subpar meal again. That would be so cold hearted. One of the backstage guys says that he saw them in a horse and carriage earlier.
We cut backstage to Madison and Tara fighting while brushing their hair. Madison says that Tara is the reason she lost at Lockdown. Apparently they'll be wrestling for the Knockout tag titles tonight though.
Now we see Eric Young petting the horses. Angle comes up to him and Young starts going full tilt crazy. I loved the line about the horses being named Sid and Mongo, his two favorite horseman. I legitimately laughed pretty hard at that one. It turns out Eric is feeding the horses beans and Kurt says they'll shit all over if Eric keeps doing that. This gives Kurt an idea. I do love some good poop humor.
Next up is the Knockouts Tag Team Championship match. Eh. Tara and Madison lose when Hernandez and Anarchia distract the ref allowing Sarita and Rosita to win. I'm going to appear more and more sexist as time goes on but my God are these Knockouts matches for the most part awful.
Yay, its time for the Coronation of Queen of the Mountain, Mrs. Karen Jarrett. I know this is hard to believe, but since we've already had a celebration or two that Kurt has spoiled I have the feeling the writing team may be running out of ideas for this one. Mick Foley once said that WCW saw a money making feud as a problem that needed to be dealt with. TNA has taken that ball and ran for many touchdowns with it.
Karen does have a glorious rack, I can say that. Jeff gives Karen her crown and immediately afterward a bunch of horse crap falls down on Karen. The horror. Karen flips out. Jeff takes off his coat in an attempt to wipe things up. Out comes Kurt who Angle Slams Jarrett right into the throne. Angle grabs the mic and berates Karen and tells her he has more plans for her. Kurt says his mistress is coming to get Karen.
Hogan is shown backstage giving Abyss a pep talk. Now he confronts Mr. Anderson. He accuses Mr. Anderson of knowing whats going on with The Network. Mr. Anderson says it couldn't be him because he constantly gets screwed.
Next up is RVD and Abyss. Match starts and eventually RVD hits a springboard kick to the face of Abyss that legitimately messes up his teeth from what I've read. Poor fella is going to have to have corrective oral surgery but still worked the tapings this week. Tough dude. You can see the blood coming from his mouth afterward.
After some foolishness with Hogan's pipe, RVD gets nailed in the gut with it by Abyss who follows up with the Black Hole Slam for the pin. Abyss starts beating on RVD after the match until Crimson makes the save giving Abyss a spear. I'll say it again, Abyss is a tough dude to keep bumping after RVD smashed his teeth.
Sting is shown backstage telling Jason Hervey (Just a guess) that he's fighting to get Jeff Hardy back on TNA because he's one of the greatest of all time. Funny enough some people actually believe he is one of the greatest. Pffft. Sting says its going to be showtime against Matt Hardy.
Matt Hardy is shown backstage with Jeff's Diva Title. Matt says Sting threw that Diva Title down like it was meaningless. I wish Sting would have gone one better and thrown it in a river ala Stone Cold so we'd never have to see the stupid thing again. I figured Jeff would have pawned it by now to pay for legal fees but then again what kind of self respecting pawn shop owner would pay any more than a few bucks for it?
Matt Morgan comes out to the ring. Apparently he wants to be in the World Title picture now. That's definitely not crowded. Matt says his time is now. Scott Steiner's music hits. Steiner tells everyone that he wakes up every morning in a good mood and something happens, that never fails, and that pisses him off.
Haha. I love Steiner promos. Steiner says if he had Matt's genetics he'd shoot himself. No, he'd kill himself than he'd hang himself. Haha. They should have Scott Steiner mic hour just to see how nonsensical he can get.
Steiner says Matt will never be as ripped as Steiner. Matt says he does. Steiner calls him a disrespectful piece of shit. Matt tells him to take the bass out of his voice. Haha. Scott says the line starts behind him. Matt says he respects Steiner and sticks out his hand for a handshake. Scott kicks him in the nuts. Steiner then does a maneuver very reminiscent of a Mic Check. He then puts Matt in the Steiner Recliner. Break his back, make him humble, Scott.
Its now main event time for the World Heavyweight Title. Out comes Matt with the Diva Belt. Sting wrestles the entire match in a t-shirt. Perhaps he got the fat sucked out of his pecks like Rocky back in the day? Sting eventually wins the match with the Scorpion Death Drop.
Afterward Mr. Anderson runs out and Mic Checks Sting. He then picks up Matt Hardy and does the same. Anderson says he's not going anywhere anytime soon. Neat.
And now it's time for the cheesiest part of TNA, the backstage reactions. Karen is screaming bloody murder. They've had a long time to get cleaned up and they haven't. She's scared of whoever Kurt's mistress is.
Hulk is shown talking on his cell phone to Mr. Anderson, okay, probably just leaving a message. Hogan says Anderson is smarter than he looks. Yawn. Hogan utters the epic line about The Network coming at him like a double fisted Kangaroo. Heh, what does that even mean.
Now its Mr. Anderson talking to Jason Hervey. This is so bad. Mr. Anderson said he wouldn't piss on someone's head if it was on fire.
Now we cut to Sting. He's mad.
That will do it for this week. This show annoyed me. It was a real solid PPV and except for a few interesting spots Impact was pretty blah. The insider talk stuff has to end. So fucking stupid.
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